This is a re-post from the blog archive. It was originally posted on January 10, 2008. –Ladybug
I made the decision last night to take a break from academics. I don’t know how long this break will last, but I do know I will not be taking any classes at the University this semester. This has been a very difficult decision. I had to reconcile the desire to get my master’s arts in Linguistics with my responsibilities to Dan and Rachael as their wife and mother, respectively. I realized last night that, at this time anyway, the desire and responsibility is incompatible.
All I have ever wanted, from the time I was very young, was to be what I am now: a wife and mommy. I love my job. It pays in love and adoration. The hours are long (as in 24/7/365) and the tasks sometimes dreary and sometimes fun (usually depending on my attitude that day) but I would not trade it for anything in the world. I am sooooo blessed to be Mrs. Dan and Munchkin’s (and Becca’s) Mommy. They are so precious to me. Why would I sacrafice their well-being for two more letters behind my name?
I am not saying that moms can’t do the school things. Some women can, and I think I could have too… at a different time. The thing is, right now is exactly the wrong time for doing a good thing. Rachael is really fighting me on the bottle/sippy cup and table foods things so, for the moment, is still exclusively mommy-fed. For me to be gone for 5-6 hours three times a week would be really hard on both of us. Also, right now, she is still very much all about mommy being there which is GOOD since she’s only 11 months old. She would enjoy being at my parents’ the first couple of times, but after a few rounds of being left for a long time, she would figure the game out and be crying when we drove up. When she’s a bit older she would understand that mommy will be back in a bit and to dry it up, but right now, she’s just a little baby. She needs me to be there.
What really sealed the deal or me was thinking about where I was two years ago. In January 2006, I was starting my coursework for this degree. Rebecca had died the previous October and Rachael had not come to be yet. I was in school just to keep myself busy and I was miserable. All I wanted was to be home taking care of a little person again.
Now I’m home taking care of a little person. I would be crazy to go through all the hoops of forcing that sippy cup I bought yesterday on her and forcing food down her throat and for what? So I could go and sit in class. Again, don’t get me wrong, she needs to learn those things and I would love to take those classes, but now is not the right time. Right now, in January 2008, I need to be pouring my time and energy into my family.
I realize that my choice may cost me all hope of ever getting my master’s degree and I am okay with that. I have made the right choice for us right now and I could not be happier.
BTW, I know I keep saying “I/me” making this choice. Dan told me it had to be my choice. He was giving his blessing for one semester of this craziness to work towards getting it done.
I have such a Spring in my step today. I cleared all the academic info off my calendar and I am dreaming up menus and household organization plans. That is what I love right now. There may come a time when my studies in Linguistics will take a larger role in my life, but for now, I have other things I need to be focusing on.
Thank you, all, for praying for me in this choice.
Postscript for Today: I don’t regret my choice one bit. In fact, I’m so thankful that I stayed home this past Spring. Munchkin made huge strides in her development and that just would not have been possible if I was in school. “Thank you, Lord, for giving me the desire to stay home and for blessing my obedience in this matter.”
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