This post is a bit “out of left field” and not triggered by any particular event in life… I was searching board archives for a different post of mine and I found this one. I wrote it back in May 2007 in response to a question about how to help a friend who has a child in the NICU. I hope this helps someone somewhere. –Ladybug

Here is a link that a fellow NICU mama found. Not everyhting applies, but it does give you a nice window into what is going through your friend’s mind.

First of all, the fact that you truely want to help is help in and of itself. A lot of people “say” they want to help, but chicken out because it’s too hard. Being in the hospital with your own child is hard enough, but you tough it out because it’s your own child. Being in the hospital as a friend when you don’t have to be can be really stressful and it’s hard to watch a baby suffer when you “don’t have to.” I know I felt pretty helpless when Jenna Havig was in the hospital because there was not a whole lot I personally could do other than just support Chautona and the rest of the family.

Now for specific suggestions…

1. Pray for her. She’s a mama-in-name-only right now. She’s probably already learned that consent is really just “please let us do this or else she will die.” On the one hand it’s wonderful that she’s a first time mother because she doesn’t know what she’s missing (I didn’t realize how much I missed with Becca until I had Rachael) but on the other hand, it just plain sucks either way.

2. Ask her what you can do… but come prepared with ideas from this thread to suggest in case she’s too wrought out to think it through.

2. VISIT and CHAT!

3a. You’ll get this from the link I gave, but keep advice to the minimum and pray hard before you give it. Something about being in a hospital makes everyone’s mouth run like you wouldn’t believe. She’s under stress, the last thing she needs is to have to deal with justifying why advice you give won’t work.

3b. But, while you’re keeping your mouth shut on advice, also chat. Tell her about what’s going on in life, ooh and ahh over her baby’s latest tricks (but you might have to look hard because their tricks are so miniscule.) And, if you really think the advice will help, share it sweetly, but tell her to feel free to toss it if it won’t work and then move on to the next topic.

3c. Offer to sit with the little princess while mommy goes to take a shower or get something to eat. Tell her to take her cell phone and promise to call her if anyone on “the list” (specialists) comes by to see her. BUT, don’t be offended if Mama doesn’t take you up on your offer.

3d. This is also on my grief list, but remember there is a difference between condoning sin and having some sympathy. In other words, don’t get on her for being upset at the situation, excuse french words that she might say after a frustrating conversation with hospital staff, and hug her through the tears.

3e. Keep the visits about her. Like I said before, it is really hard being the friend in this situation because you’re helpless. Some hospitals will even make you leave during procedures. You might spend time in the hallway. BUT keep it about her. Lean on your husband during this time. Don’t make your friend carry her grief over the situation and yours too.

3. A DVD player should be fine… don’t forget the headphones. Babies like that often can’t handle a lot of noise. Extra points for getting a membership at a DVD rental place for her and being her delivery service. (I know that blockbuster does a $25/month deal for unlimited rentals, up to 3 at a time.)

4. Find some cool hats, mittens and socks for the little princess. If you’re lucky, the hospital allows little kimono shirts for baby. You’ll find all of this on the baby aisle in Walamrt or Target for about $20 for three days worth. When my Rebecca was in the hospital, clothes was one thing I could control… most of the time. The amount of time I spent planning her outfit combinations was ridiculous and I’d even match my clothes to hers.

5. Play PR rep to the hospital. Bring treats for the nurses, smile at them, say hello, butter them up good. Make sure they know that little baby is special by your actions. Extra points for a plate of homemade cookies or brownies. The grouchy old specialists are especially vulnerable. :p

6. Ask Mama before you touch her baby. Ask her how you should do it. And then, when you get permission, do it with love and all focus on the little one. Talk to her. Tell her how pretty she is. Talk about all the things she’s going to do when she gets home.

7. If you’re close enough friends, give your friend a shoulder rub. Oh yeah, and if she complains about shoulder pain, tell her to try sitting on the other side of the baby’s bed. It will help the crick in her neck.

8. Ditto the other suggestions everyone had.

9. Bring food!

Later in the thread someone asked about why the mama couldn’t hold her baby and I said:

[The baby] has to be stable… and that is defined by the hospital…. and once it is, it is subject to the mood of the nurse on duty. It stinks, but it’s reality.

It’s my guess that if the baby’s pain is beyond pain meds, that it’s going to be a bit before they let Mama hold her.

This is not to single you out because you do bring up a valuable question… however, I am going to say, this is NOT a question to ask the NICU mama. believe me, she has asked many times, and it’s not by any fault of her own that she can’t hold her baby.